Caring for Your Parents, Part 1: How to Be the On-Call Kid

Caregiving is not for the faint of heart. No matter how much you love your parents, helping care for them as they age, whether they’re still at home, in a CCRC , or living with you, can put stress into even the strongest family relationships. And if you’re the closest kid proximity-wise, a lot will naturally fall onto your shoulders. So how do you balance the roles of caregiver, child, and sibling? Let’s look at a few key things to keep in mind to help you grow and maintain healthier relationships with your family while being the on-call caregiver for your parents.

Communicate, Communicate, and then Communicate Some More

You’d be surprised how far communication can go and how easy it still is to overlook it. Making assumptions about what your parents need or what role you or your siblings will take in helping care for them can add a lot of stress to those relationships. So instead of jumping to conclusions, take time to discuss the details of caregiving with your parents and your siblings.

Initiating caregiving conversations with your parents can be difficult, but it’s one of the best ways you can prioritize their autonomy and reinforce your intention to support and respect them. Have you talked to them about their care expectations or their finances? If not, head to our blog on conversation starters for some helpful guidelines. Ask what you can take off their shoulders to support their health and independence. Do they need transportation to and from activities? What about help around the house? This is also a good time to establish who they’re comfortable receiving help from and gently manage expectations if they plan to have you (and only you) take care of everything. As they age, their needs and wishes may also change. Maybe they planned to move into a home or downsize by a certain time, but they’d like to delay or accelerate their timeline. Check in frequently to make sure you’re still honoring their wishes and that they’re receiving adequate care.

If you have siblings who live too far away to make regular visits, make sure you’re keeping them in the loop as well, as long as you’ve verified that your parents want them to stay informed. Depending on your family dynamics and especially if memory loss is a factor, your parents may share different information with you and your siblings, so it’s important to establish trust and clear, consistent communication. Try to keep some kind of paper trail, whether that’s a group chat, email thread, or even a digital care-sharing platform where you can share medical information and pertinent updates on their care, living situation, and emerging needs. It’s equally important to have clear communication about who is expected to do what, which leads to our next tip.

Divide and Conquer

Delegation is one of the most important things you can do to keep yourself from burning out and ensure your parents receive adequate care, support, and love from their whole family. You might assume that just because you’re the on-call kid, most tasks will fall to you, but you’d be surprised how many needs can be taken care of from a distance! Discuss what you’ll take care of and what your siblings will be in charge of, and don’t intervene once you’ve delegated unless your parents’ well-being is at risk. They might do things differently than you would, but give them the benefit of the doubt; assume everyone is doing their very best. To learn more about how a long-distance adult child can be a caregiver, stay tuned for our blog on caregiving as the “away” kid.

As the on-call kid, it makes sense for you to handle proximity-related tasks. This means house and wellness checks, and meetings with doctors, lawyers, financial advisors, physical therapists, etc. Do they have lawn care set up, and is the service provider doing a satisfactory job? Do their gutters need to be cleaned, or do they need a medication adjustment? Regular visits are a great way to catch new needs before they become problematic or harmful. Make sure you know where their important documents are stored and have access to usernames and passwords for accounts you may need access to. As their needs increase and mobility declines, you can also help with accessibility upgrades around the house, meal prep, bathing, hygiene, getting dressed, house cleaning, and sorting through anything they’re ready to part with. Again, make sure not to make assumptions. You might think the grass looks fine, but they might prefer to keep it cut shorter.

Caring for Yourself as the Caregiver

Self-care might seem like the last thing you have time for if you’re caregiving for your parents, but it deserves to be high on your priority list. If you don’t take care of yourself, you may struggle with feelings of resentment or bitterness, and you might not be able to provide adequate care for your parents. In fact, the Family Caregiver Alliance in San Francisco reported that burnout or stress-related conditions cause more hospitalizations for caregivers than worsening medical conditions cause. On top of that, allowing your life and identity to be consumed by caregiving can lead to depression and other complicated feelings of grief, as reported by the National Library of Medicine. 

First and foremost, prioritize time and activities to fill and fuel yourself. Even if you’re short on free time, try a ten-minute walk in the mornings or a few minutes to meditate or enjoy a cup of coffee. It’s also important to protect time with your spouse and children. It might be hard to find time for date night or a family event, and you may struggle with feelings of guilt, but asking for help can prevent burnout. If your parents are comfortable, invite a friend to come help you do yardwork or housecleaning for your parents. You can also consider outsourcing those tasks to take a bit off your plate. Finding and joining a support group for caregivers can also be a valuable resource to help you navigate complicated feelings and prioritize balance while caregiving for your parents.

On Call Doesn’t Have to Mean Always On

While being the closest child geographically can mean you naturally take over some aspects of your parent’s care needs, with the right strategies, it doesn’t have to feel lonely or all-consuming. Make no mistake– caregiving is hard, and often thankless work. But you’re not doing it for the thank you, because how could any thank you be enough? You’re doing it because it’s the right thing to do. For those of you in the thick of it, we see you and we applaud the hard work you’re doing and the sacrifices you’re making for your parents. You’ve got this!